I've always been of the mindset that nobody should become an uncle/aunt until they're ready for the commitment, but oftentimes selfish siblings will rush into parenthood before you're ready, and life starts coming at you FAST. And since I'm assuming most of you can't afford to rent an inflatable bounce-house to occupy all the youngs every weekend during football season, I've jotted down a few standards & practices to help make sure everyone has a good time watching the game on TV with family/friends.
***I'm from Georgia so we tend to gather for University of Georgia football games, but I assume you can apply these to ANY football watch party except the ones where Janet Jackson flashes her nipple at halftime***
-NEVER, under any circumstances, leave a child in a hot car when you arrive; they'll miss kickoff.
-Invite ALL possible grannies, aunts, monster-in-laws, etc. to distract the smallest/whiniest of the rugrats. And you don't even have to ask - they'll just bring pie.
-NO THROWING THE BALL IN THE HOUSE - unless you're using a proper route tree to make sure the passer and receiver are on the exact same page.
-Master the art of the "no look pass" or you're gonna miss half the game throwing crossing patterns to tiny receivers who don't care about the actual football happening on TV behind them. (Google 'Patrick Mahomes' or 'Uncle Rico' to learn more)
-Despite the abundance of sugary junk food on a typical game-day spread, if you don't bring extra side-snacks for each non-diabetic niece/nephew, don't be surprised when they don't love you.
-Drinking excessively around the kids isn't an option for me after I almost microwaved a niece one time, but I'm also not about to take 50 kicks to the groin and 38 headbutts to the shin from miniature gladiators without at least a semblance of a buzz. Moderation is mandatory, wearing a cup is recommended.
-No Peppa Pig at halftime (un-American!) I'm fine with switching over to a cartoon during the intermission if it'll make them happy, but it's gonna be an old fashioned children's program like Tom & Jerry or UFC Countdown.
-Substitute curse words/phrases when you can't resist blurting your excitement/fury over the game. I'll be the first to admit I have the foulest mouth among my family, but I also refuse to be the reason any of the littles get in trouble at school. If lil Josey gets written up for saying his bad stuff at pre-school, don't look at me unless he called his teacher a wet wombat (she totally is, btw).
-If you wanna exercise before the game, don't do cardio - LIFT WEIGHTS (or resistance bands)! You'll burn plenty of calories chasing childs around between commercials, and if you LIFT before, you'll burn more calories horseplaying bc of the "afterburn" effect you get from working out your muscles that doesn't occur when you do slow-to-moderate cardio.
-Athletic events create teachable moments that can help us instill sportsmanship and camaraderie into the next generation, whether our team wins or loses. When we WIN, we celebrate and dance like blind chickens. When we lose, we simply say "good game" then proceed to scroll the social media of the opposing team's quarterback until we find something ignorant he Tweeted about Puerto Rico when he was in 7th grade - and since we're SEC fans, this usually only takes about 5-10 minutes.
-I realize a few of you might be reading this and thinking, "I don't care about football, and I don't have any kids or nephews..." but like, did you not read the title?
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